Tuesday, October 30, 2007

My Job In the Millenium

Two Sunday's ago, Hal Lindhart spoke on "The Truth". One of the prayers that he prays is "God, keep me from delusional thinking and all false assurance." It was good stuff!

But it got me thinking of something that happened just a week before. I woke up and went to my 6AM set, and to be honest with you, I was in a foul mood. I was having one of those "tell everybody what you think" conversations in my head all morning. I truly felt like a beast before God. Funny thing however, an hour later, I'm feeling Jesus, I'm happy, I feel connected, I love everyone. What was the difference? Coffee, folks. One stupid cup of coffee. When I realized this, while pacing quite briskly I might add, I practically said out loud, "Oh great the little 'yes' in my spirit towards God is actually caffeine induced, that's just terrific!"

Yeah, sure Jesus, I love you, with a little help from Starbucks. So what if this is really true? The only scenario I can think of is that I will most definitely be one escaping through the flames if I keep this up. Imagine with me if you will... this conversation with the Lord as I am entering the New Jerusalem.

John- "Hi Jesus!"
Jesus- "Hi Son, you smell like smoke."
John- "I just escaped the flames didn't I."
Jesus- "Ummmm, Yeah"
John- "It was the caffeine wasn't it?"
Jesus- "Yeah, pretty much."
John- "So where do we go from here?"
Jesus- "Well I have a little something for you."
John- "Oh really, like being the lead guitar player in the celestial city? Do I get a flying V guitar? This is going to be just great!"
Jesus- "No no quite"
John- "Well what's my assignment then?"
Jesus- "You see that truck over there?"
John- "Yeah, the one that says 'Heavenly Hash' on it. You mean I'm driving an ice cream truck in the New Jerusalem?"
Jesus- "No, not exactly, you're going to be driving it OUTSIDE the New Jerusalem."
John- "Well isn't that a little dangerous, seeing that the nations are going to rage against you sometime soon?"
Jesus- "Yep, could be!"
John- "So when the nations gather, what do I do?"
Jesus- "Drive real fast."
John- "Will somebody let me in the gates of the city?"
Jesus- "Just drive around to the side, there's a delivery gate, someone will let you in there."
John- "Well how do I know someone's going to be there to let me in?"
Jesus- "Oh, they'll be someone there. The same ones are there taking deliveries every day."
John- "Well who are they?"
Jesus- "Bill Cosby, Robert Schuller, and possibly the guys from Stryper."
John- "Well does somebody ride in the truck with me?"
Jesus- "Oh yeah, I've got somebody assigned to you."
John- "Well who is it?"
Jesus- "Raffi"
John- "You mean the guy who sings little kids songs?"
Jesus- "Yep that's the one."
John- "Well what did he do to get this job?"
Jesus- "Well the little 'yes' that was in his spirit, was mostly induced by pot. The 60's weren't real kind to him."
John- "Oh great, so I'm going to have a disgruntled employee with the munchies, singing silly songs about a whale called "Baby Baluga" working for me."
Jesus- "Oh no, he's quite excited. Once he saw the truck, he hasn't stopped beaming."
John- "Well I'd be beaming too if I smoked pot my whole life, ended up in heaven, only to be driving around a truck that says 'Heavenly Hash' on the outside. You didn't tell him it was ice cream did you?"
Jesus- "Ummm, nope, gonna leave that up to you!"

So Folks, I need to make some changes, I don't want to live this dream, really I don't!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

LiLi the Luchador

Now, it's no secret, we IHOP'ers don't celebrate Halloween, but should we get invited to a sweet "Hallelujah Party," Elia is going as Nacho Libre!
"Sometimes Choncho, when you are a baby, you wear stretchy pants... just for fun."

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Support Raising at the 6AM's

So I'm sitting in the Prayer Room during a 6AM intercession set. In almost every Mon-Fri 6AM set, we pray for God to break-in in the marketplace. Many people working in the marketplace in Kansas City come to that set before they leave for work.

Now in this particular set, I was in the back of the room receiving ministry from the Healing Teams (I blew my wrist out playing too much this summer). Anyway, I was being soaked in prayer, listening to Marcus and Tim do what they do so well, and just receiving from the Lord when someone stood up at the mic to pray for the Marketplace people.

He said, and I quote, "Would everyone with jobs please stand up and move to the aisles."

I figured that the rest of us without jobs, were supposed to pray for these people with jobs, so I quietly walked up to one of the gentleman standing and said, "Hi, I'm an intercessory missionary, I don't have a job, but I couldn't help but notice that you do, would you consider supporting me $10.00 a month.... I'll pray for you!"

Shock and Awe

I'm not an argumentative person. In a group of people where there are many strong personalities, I tend to be the one who is quiet and introspective. I have found myself sitting in the middle of many heated discussions over the years, and have wondered how someone like myself can ever come out on top.

But I've figured out a way.

Occasionally, not often, but occasionally in a briefing or debriefing session before or after one of my sets in the prayer room, a subject will arise that causes controversy to some extent. Most debates are over minor stuff like the mechanics of the harp and bowl model, but some are over what we'll call the "grey areas". You know those things that one person might have the liberty to do in Christ, but the other person feels like is wrong, and the Bible doesn't make it really clear.

Most of the time when these discussions occur, I quietly wait for the half hour to tick by, and then leave saying nothing while everyone else is vibrating like they've had 16 shots of espresso! But alas, my melancholy friends out there, I have found a way to silence the great debaters, it's called "Shock and Awe". The next time I find myself in an IHOP debate, I'm going to wait for that well-known 20 second pause of silence, and I'm going to stand up and say the following:

"Well, at least we're not going to be here for the tribulation. Anybody wanna go get a beer? I just got the new Ozzie CD, you guys can ride with me and we can listen to it on the way, but first we have to stop by CVS, my wife just left me a message, her birth control prescription is in."

Then I will majestically walk out of the briefing room, possibly skipping and most certainly in silence. Yes, a hush will fall over the crowd. I will turn around and say, "Thank you very much Kansas City, I love you, good night."

You see folks, the key is shock and awe. Cram as much controversy as you can into one brief statement, so much controversy that no one knows what to rebut, and then make your exit.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007


I have a friend who is looking to marry an IHOP'er in order to get her green card. She's not beautiful, but she's sturdy, and she has a good heart. Her name is Regina Bohlendorfer.

Regina enjoys making beer, log rolling, and pillaging small villages on the weekends. She has a side business of making burlap undergarments. She enjoys long, quiet evenings in small, damp huts listening to Enya.

Regina is a widow recently recovering from the death of her husband, some guy named Thor, apparently someone used his hammer on him. She needs a hero....and he's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight!

You can view Regina's complete profile at www.vikingbrides.com